After over 2 decades of only having clitoral orgasms, I’m on a journey to reconnect with my vagina and to discover for myself if vaginal orgasms are indeed real. Needless to say, I think they are, otherwise I wouldn’t be going on this journey in the first place.
I’ve also been reading all of the original research from Dr. Kegel and he found that for his female patients, “weakness of the pubococcygeus [the PC or kegel muscle] renders them unable to receive sexual satisfaction from coitus. Many of our patients abandoned clitoric stimulation and masturbation as soon as function of the pubococcygeus was improved.”
Dr. Kegel also wrote “Conditioning of response exclusively to clitoral stimulation interferes with the development of vaginal feeling.”
I’ve experienced clitoral stimulation almost exclusively my entire life. So given this information from Dr. Kegel, it’s no wonder I’ve never experienced a vaginal orgasm… yet.
I also came across an article in Cosmo about how the G-Spot isn’t real:
Just like it did for women, the G-spot gave men a universal performance metric and the “cultural message that pleasure for women happens by pounding on their vaginas with your penis,” says Nagoski. Things were thisclose to going in a much better direction. “In the early ’80s, there was research that was really putting the clitoris front and center,” explains Nagoski. “Then along came the G-spot research, creating this pressure for women to be orgasmic from vaginal stimulation even though most women’s bodies just aren’t wired that way. And if you really think about why vaginal stimulation matters so much, it’s because it puts the focus on male pleasure.”Debunking the existence of the G-Spot Cosmopolitan Magazine
I adore Emily Nagoski’s work. Come As You Are is a phenomenal book and I recommend it to anyone with a vagina and anyone who comes in contact with a vagina. I even pre-ordered the updated edition of the book which comes out in March and I’m so excited for it! But she’s only half right here.
Vaginal orgasms are important because when we as women experience pleasure from our vaginas, they become not just a “birth canal” or a cum receptacle or the exit for menstrual blood, but they become something that is ours and that exists for our own pleasure. Our vaginas shouldn’t be just for male pleasure. They shouldn’t even just be for giving birth. They should be for our pleasure.
To say that most women’s bodies aren’t wired for vaginal orgasms just pushes the vagina further and further into the realms of male pleasure. Let’s face it- most heterosexual women (and that’s 97.7% of all women BTW) aren’t going to just never have PIV sex ever again. So we might as well learn how to reconnect with our vaginas and become vaginally orgasmic or at least really enjoy vaginal stimulation.
Even if we are single (which I am right now) and planning on staying that way. Who doesn’t want more pleasure in her life?
It’s time we reclaim our vaginas for ourselves. Because there is nothing more damaging than saying that we women have a body part (our vaginas) that can’t give pleasure to us, and in fact is only involved in painful things like childbirth and menstruation, but can give pleasure to someone else. How is that fair? How is that feminist?
There is no other body part that gives someone else pleasure and yet (supposedly) only gives me pain. Which is why reconnecting to our vaginas and discovering all of the pleasure our vaginas can give us is so important to me. So I call bullshit on the idea that “most women just aren’t wired to be vaginally orgasmic.”
Do I think the G-spot is real?
I know it is. I know where mine is.
But it’s not where it’s “supposed to be” according to all of the doctors and research who do say that it’s real. It’s also not an automatic pleasure button. It doesn’t really do much for me right now, it doesn’t make me squirt, and why would it?
After decades of conditioning my body and nervous system towards clitoral stimulation, I think the nerves on the inside of my vagina have gotten lazy, like an underused muscle, and those neural pathways have been pruned back due to lack of use.
Most little girls don’t get taught that we have vaginas in the first place, let alone that they exist for our pleasure. I didn’t know I had a vagina until I was in middle school and I got my period and by then I was already very much conditioned to my clitoral orgasms and the shame and secrecy surrounding sex due to my family of origin and upbringing had already sunk in.
I can’t help but wonder if I had known as a small child that I had a vagina and that using my fingers inside myself would feel good, instead of being shamed and reprimanded for masturbating, would I have discovered vaginal orgasms much sooner and easier? Would I have had more sensation and more alert neural pathways when I was younger?
Furthermore, the same physical touch won’t be pleasurable in all situations and considering the fact that many women get anxious and frustrated when trying to locate or receive pleasure from the G-spot, no wonder it’s not producing the intended pleasurable results!
And telling women that “vaginal stimulation puts the focus on male pleasure” isn’t helping things either. If anything, it just makes matters worse by shutting down the possibility of more pleasure for women and it adds an additional layer of I’m-a-bad-feminist type of guilt for women such as myself who aren’t content with just clitoral orgasms, as wonderful as they are.
Becoming vaginally orgasmic is a journey. It’s not something that you either can or can’t have, it’s not a matter of the right technique or locating the right spot. Reconnecting with our vaginas is a whole-ass process and if you give up too soon because you think you just aren’t wired that way, then of course you’ll get frustrated and you’ll never get there (if being vaginally orgasmic is where you want to go, if not then that’s 100% ok too).
There’s nothing wrong with clitoral orgasms, of course. And there’s nothing wrong with women who only have clitoral orgasms. I am one of those women. There’s nothing wrong with me.
But I also strongly believe that I could also have vaginal orgasms and Dr. Kegel would likely agree with me. Because, according to Dr. Kegel and his patients, having only or mostly clitoral stimulation and clitoral orgasms prevents the development of vaginal feeling, I assume that the way to reverse this is to stop stimulating the clitoris.
Which is why I am committing the first 3 months of 2021 to no clitoral stimulation.
Of course I’ll still masturbate, I just won’t be touching my clit. I want to say that I’ll go the full year with no clit stimulation or clitoral orgasm, but I’m trying to be realistic. We’ll see how the first 3 months go and if I’m successful, I’ll try another 3 months, and if I can do it for 6 months then I can try for the full year.
Three months sounds like a long time. But so is 2 decades. And realistically, a conditioned response won’t go away in just a week or even a month. This woman tried a month-long sex cleanse at the behest of Kim Anami and it didn’t work. While the author doesn’t specify whether she was used to having orgasms from clitoral stimulation or not, I suspect that 1 month wasn’t long enough. Rather, I know that 1 month wouldn’t be long enough for me personally.
The author also said that she returned to her vibrator at the end of the experiment. This raises an eyebrow for me because I have heard anecdotal reports from women that excessive use of a vibrator can desensitize the clitoris and make it difficult or impossible to orgasm, clitorally or otherwise, without the toy. I am the type of person who values direct experience more than whatever empirical evidence is out there saying that it’s impossible for this to happen with a toy unless you’re using it wrong.
I can also speak from my own experience. While I can orgasm without a vibrator (I don’t own one anymore, my first and only vibe from Spencer’s broke years ago) I have used my detachable showerhead with the massage settings as a vibrator on my clit. And let me tell you, when I would use it too often, my fingers just wouldn’t cut it anymore.
So I’m going to see for myself if not having a clitoral orgasm for a long time will make a vaginal orgasm happen for me. I’m really hoping to go the full year without clitoral stimulation because after a lifetime of that, I think a full year without it would be long enough for me to conclusively know for myself whether or not Dr. Kegel was indeed correct.