So I finally did the egg sipping thing. I was able to sip it in without pushing for the most part and I could expel the egg with just my muscles although that did take some straining. I think with more practice I’ll strain less.
I tried it with a mirror which was helpful. It certainly helped to know how to do kegels properly this time around though too.
Prior to my success, though, I was feeling super frustrated. When I read about tantric orgasms and being multi orgasmic and having full body orgasms that last for hours, it really just pisses me off sometimes. Because I want all that stuff and why is it so hard for me but seemingly so easy for others?
I also hate hate hate that I don’t get turned on with a partner. Nothing sucks more than being left out of this magical heavenly experience of sex that everyone else claims is the key to success in business or creativity or just life in general. Sex is nothing and sex is everything and right now it feels like everything. And I’m mad that I don’t get to have the Grade A top quality kind of sex.
Yeah sure, I totally believe that I can have magical orgasms with myself. But that’s not what I want. I want magical orgasms with a partner dammit. The main reason I’m doing this whole sexual healing jade egg journey thing is to have better sex with a partner. I want to be wetter and multi orgasmic and to learn how to do pompoir.
I hate feeling like I’m missing out and it makes me impatient and pissed and so fucking frustrated! Half of me wants to call bullshit on the whole aspect of woo-woo tantra energy manipulation and the other half of me just wants it to hurry up and work.
Most of my sexual response, well all of it actually, comes from my clit. That’s where all the fun is for me and that’s where all the fun has been for me for my entire life- ever since my mom told me to stop touching myself as a little kid. So I wonder if I’ve just laid down a solid neural pleasure pathway for my clit and the neural pathways to my vagina just never for enough use.
I want to do a year with no clitoral orgasms but I feel that may be too ambitious and I’d hate to set myself up for failure. I’m gonna try 3 months with no clitoral orgasm and then go from there and see if we can make it to 6 months. And if I can make it 6 months I can probably do a whole year by then.
I’ll still meditate and do the spiritual energy work and sensate focus. And I’ll still masturbate but only with a glass dildo. We’ll see how it goes, we’ll see how I feel. Although I’m not sure if any of that will fix my problem with not getting turned on when I’m with a partner.
I was researching information on the pelvic floor muscles and I came across the phenomena of shy bladder where people can’t urinate if they’re being watched or they think they are. It makes me wonder if I have something like that only it’s more like shy vagina.
All the times I’ve had sex, I’ve either not felt 100% emotionally safe with the guy OR I was hella paranoid about my parents calling me in the middle of it and interrupting me and getting caught. Sometimes it was a combination of both. And on top of that I also tend to worry about how I look and how I sound and trying not too be too quiet in bed and coming up with coherent dirty talk.
So I think fixing all of that is going to mean creating an environment in which I’m not paranoid that my parents will catch me or interrupt, being with a partner I feel emotionally safe with. And physically safe with too of course. It also means being ok with the fact that I’m not usually super loud like a porn star in bed. And more importantly, I need to know that my partner is ok with that too and that he isn’t expecting me to be super loud and doesn’t think that me being quiet means I’m not enjoying myself or that he’s not doing it for me.
That’s a lot of stars that need to align to get my metaphorical lead foot off my sexual brake. I’m gonna have to move out of my parents house. I need to be with the right person in the right sort of relationship. And most of all I need to be brave enough to be vulnerable with him and to let him know what I actually need.
That’s a lot. And on top of that, I have the jade egg exercises and that stuff to work on. For now, mediation and pelvic floor strengthening is all I can really do.