People say that money makes the world go around. But they would be wrong.
People say that money makes the world go around. And they would be wrong. I think sex makes the world go ’round. Without it, we wouldn’t be here. And our biology compels us to have lots of it so we can make little humans and further the species. When it comes down to it, sex is the meaning of life.
Sex sells. Sex is everywhere. Everyone is thinking about it all the time, whether it’s fantasizing about the last time or anticipating the next time.
Something I noticed though, is that when I would have sex and the moment was finally here, it was really hard for me to be in the present. I didn’t feel turned on at all. I felt bored during sex. During one hook up, I was making a grocery list in my head while we were making out. I’m perfectly capable of getting very turned on and bringing myself to orgasm so why wasn’t I feeling turned on at all with a partner? I Googled things like “why can I get turned on and cum by myself but I never feel turned on with a partner” or “I don’t get turned on when I’m with my partner but I get turned on by myself.”
The only answers I got back were articles about being autosexual or katoptronophilia, the fetish for having sex in front of a mirror. Neither of those answers resonated with me. I felt lost. My partners were all physically attractive, I fantasized about being with them when I was on my own. Even when I was in a wonderful and loving committed relationship, I still wouldn’t get turned on with my boyfriend. I couldn’t help but think “What is wrong with me? Why can I only get turned on when I’m by myself?”
I wish I could tell you my lovely reader that I’ve solved my problem. But I don’t have a resolution just yet. This is only the beginning of my journey to a fuller and healthier sex life. (I hope.)
I found the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I read her blog. It helped a lot and I certainly recommend it but I’m still dealing with the same problem. The book discusses at length the fact that everyone has a sexual gas pedal and a sexual brake. By the looks of things, I have a very, very sensitive sexual brake which gets activated by the presence of other people.
It makes total sense though. I started masturbating at a very young age, like under 6. I know now that it’s normal and healthy for children to explore their own bodies. But one night my mom caught me and told me to stop. I didn’t stop and I got caught again. The next time I went to the pediatrician, the doctor told me to stop.
My family is very conservative and identifies as Baptists. Once I grew older, I heard the doctor mention that she’s Catholic. It makes total sense. Religion has this really weird relationship with sex. It’s treated as such a taboo. I was ordered to stop and although I was never given any good reason why, even as a small child, I could sense the shame hanging in the air in the doctor’s office. I had done something wrong. Clearly, that moment had an impact on me if I’m remembering it even more than a decade later.
But I didn’t stop masturbating. It felt good and nothing bad was happening because of it. I just got better at not getting caught by my mom. Now, as an adult, despite leaving behind the religion I was raised with in favor of alternative spiritual beliefs (read: woo-woo), I think the early experiences I had have shaped my sexuality and have caused my inability to become turned on with another person present.
I wish I could have articulated all of this to my boyfriend while we were together. I hated for him to think that I wasn’t wet because he wasn’t turning me on. But I don’t think that would have fully resolved the issue. It’s one thing to consciously know I have a problem and why I have it but when it’s something that goes so far back and is so deeply rooted in childhood, conscious awareness doesn’t necessarily fix an ingrained unconscious response.
So I’ve turned my attention to sexual and spiritual healing. I discovered Kim Anami online back when I was in high school and my initial reaction was confusion. She puts a jade what in where for why? How is she doing that? It took me a while to realize she was using her vagina but I started to notice this Anami lady and jade eggs popping up through the internet for brief periods every other year or so since then. I watched her podcasts and YouTube videos and I became convinced that what she was exactly what I needed to heal myself.
Then I saw that her courses cost over $1,000.
As a 20-something student, that’s not in my budget right now. So I decided to take this journey on my own. I feel that it’s going to be a lot longer than a quick 8 week online salon. I found myself wishing that she had a book I could read for a DIY approach. She doesn’t, but I discovered the book Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy by Master Mantak Chia and it contains ideas nearly identical to the ones she talks about. And the book was under $15 on Kindle. I decided to take it as a sign that a DIY approach is the right path for me.
I bought a jade yoni egg about a year and a half ago although I don’t use it consistently. Part of me doubts if full and complete sexual healing is even possible for me. Jade eggs and Yoni eggs have become such huge trends in recent years they almost feel like a gimmick. Also, there is so much conflicting information out there about them.
Despite leaning towards the more woo-woo spiritual side of things, I’m not entirely convinced that the virtue of the egg being jade or rose quartz or obsidian and all the “magical” healing properties each stone is supposed to possess has anything more than a placebo effect. I believe the power of the mind has more to do with the healing than the actual stones. I think the pelvic floor strengthening effects comes more from the weight of the egg than anything else. If you’re not into the whole spiritual thing, you could probably use vaginal weights from Intimina and get the same results.
I’m not entirely convinced the “magical” healing properties a #jadeegg supposedly has is anything more than a placebo effect. Pelvic floor gains prob come from the #weight of the #yoniegg. Imma try it out thoTweet
So, I am skeptical about all of this, but I’m going to make an effort and I’ll be documenting my journey along the way. We’ll see how it goes. I’m hoping that I can help at least one woman along the way who struggles with the same thing I do.
I’ve been reading all the material I could get my hands on to try and heal myself and fix this problem I have so I’ll be diving into topics like slow sex and sensate focus, somatic sex education, mindfulness and awareness, as well as meditation and tantra and sharing my findings and personal experience.
Please let me know if anything I say resonates with you. I would love to support someone else in their journey so feel free to ask me anything! Your comment will make my day.