The #1 Crucial Dating Mistake that No Dating Coach Will Ever Tell You About

If you’re into the law of attraction and all the new age vibrational mindset stuff, then you know that part of attracting what you want is acting like it’s already here and raising your vibration to match what it is you want.

Maybe you don’t believe in that sort of thing. That’s fine. To put it in more realistic terms, if you act like you’re going to have a bad day, then you will probably have a bad day. Not necessarily because of vibrations and mystical cosmic forces, but because your bad attitude and expectations become self-fulfilling. The mind doesn’t like cognitive dissonance and we all like to be right. So if you’ve made up your mind, consciously or unconsciously, that you will have a bad day, your mind will ignore the good and highlight the bad. It’s just psychology.

The same goes for dating. If you constantly expect that all men act a certain way or all the “good ones” are taken or you have to fight your way through a horde of fuckboys to get to one good guy, then chances are your real-life experiences will come to match your expectations and beliefs. That way, your brain doesn’t have to deal with the cognitive dissonance that comes with being proved wrong, even if you think you would love to be proved wrong.

You may say your day started off on the wrong foot and you hope it gets better but do you actually believe that it will? Or are you secretly convinced that the day is already ruined so then you don’t even try to make things better, adjust your attitude and look for the positive?

You may say you want a good guy but do you actually believe you can find one? Or do you think, deep down, that there’s something wrong with you that you need to fix before that can happen? Are you jaded from past experiences so you now expect the worst instead of the best? Do you really think good men are out there or do you think they only exist in theory, as the product of wishful thinking?

If you really believed that you can and will find a good guy, then you would act like it.

And from my perspective, consuming dating advice content is not acting as if the right relationship can and will happen. In fact, it’s the opposite.


When I first went to college and was making friends, I met a couple of guys in the dining hall. One finished and left while the other and I stayed to finish our meals. The guy who stayed texted his friend to ask what he thought about me. His friend’s response was “Ew no thanks.” The guy I was eating with just shrugged and said “Yeah he really wants a girlfriend.”

I was shocked.

At first glance, this story makes no sense, but let me give some more context. During my first few weeks on campus, I was trying way too hard to be a “cool girl.” You know the kind of girl I’m talking about. The mythical cool girl doesn’t have any needs in a relationship and is down for whatever and is just so “progressive” and “woke” that she’s totally cool with random casual hookups (even though that might not be what she authentically wants).

Now I wasn’t shocked because of the way his friend had replied. I know I’m not ugly. And I wasn’t even shocked because my demeanor may have turned him off. To a guy who wants a girlfriend, this sort of faux cool-girl attitude would understandably be a major turn off.

What shocked me was that a freshman guy in college wanted a girlfriend.

This went against every trope and stereotype and piece of advice I had ever heard about college guys. Almost every college movie is about boys trying to get laid, preferably with multiple women, and if at all possible, with multiple women at the same time. And I’m sure we’ve all heard that “guys mature slower than girls” so they must not really start looking for a relationship until at least junior year.

I was proved wrong that day. But like I said, the mind doesn’t like cognitive dissonance. So I ignored it and thought of that one guy as weird or abnormal. It just didn’t make any sense. Why would a freshman guy in college want a girlfriend rather than trying to have a buffet of women like college guys are “supposed to?”

Several years later, it’s now clear to me that expecting college guys to act in one very stereotypical manner is the result of entrenched gender roles and expectations that we all have to some extent in our society. It can seem innocuous at times but comments like “[college] guys only want one thing,” even when it comes as well-meaning advice from parents or older siblings, do more harm than good for everyone. (And sidebar: yes, this post is very heteronormative from my perspective as a straight woman but I can only speak from from point of view, I can’t speak for others.)

Occasionally, stereotypes do have a grain of truth in them but most of the time, they just prevent us from seeing the person for who they are and accepting them rather than who we expect them to be.


99.99% of Dating Advice is BS

I had a feeling several months ago that all the dating advice and the blogs and the posts and videos were doing me more harm than good. I would feel anxiety when checking my favorite dating & relationship YouTuber’s channel for new content or seeing a new blog post pop up in my inbox.

Titles that had anything to do with cheating were the worst. They sent me into a spiral. My mind would be racing. “Why do men cheat? Am I not hot enough? How can I ensure that I don’t get cheated on? What should I do if I find out I’ve been cheated on? Is monogamy even realistic? Maybe I should just give up on love and use men for fun and money like fuckboys use women.” And I wasn’t even in a relationship!

I had to listen to my inner compass. This type of content was stressing me out more than it was helping me out.

I knew it was time to stop watching and unsubscribe. And honestly, I’m a lot better for it. I’ve stopped using dating apps too and I know that was also the right choice for me at this point in my life.

I’m really glad that I stopped consuming dating advice. I had a hunch that it was keeping me in a state of learned helplessness or “low vibrational mindset.” It was good information, up to a point. But then it becomes redundant and I feel that it had long exceeded its usefulness for me. Maybe I will use dating apps in the future. But I’m pretty sure I won’t be going back to consuming dating advice content.

What’s Wrong With All Your Dating Advice?

Let’s be real, most dating advice revolves around “setting boundaries”- aka fending off the fuqboi hordes- and “getting him to commit,” which is something you have zero control over anyways.

All of this dating advice sends the message that:

  1. most guys are untrustworthy fuckboys out there who “only want one thing” and they need to be repelled at all cost so put up those boundaries girl!
  2. most guys don’t really want to commit and getting the committed relationship you want is hard which is why you need to buy this online course for $99 to learn how to make him commit and learn these special secrets to put a love spell on this man so he only has eyes for you forever

There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries and of course, we should all have healthy boundaries but at the end of the day, those are the underlying messages I was getting and I don’t think they’re good or helpful at all.

If you’re constantly walking into a situation expecting a fight or expecting to get played, your attitude and expectations will only add fuel to the fire. And there’s nothing more useless and stressful than spinning your wheels and racking your brain trying to make another grown person do something that they clearly don’t want to; it’s just not possible because it’s not up to you.

Here’s the Big Secret no Dating Coach will EVER tell you ↓

So here’s the big problem with dating advice:

The problem is that implicit in the consumption of dating advice are all sorts of negative beliefs- that dating is hard, fuckboys are difficult to handle, the ratio of fuckboys to good guys is like 100 to 1, people play games, men don’t want a committed relationship, and dating sucks. And by consuming dating advice content, you are implicitly agreeing with those negative beliefs. Pretty soon, you will internalize them, consciously or unconsciously.

If the reverse of all those statements were true- if dating was easy, fuckboys were easy to deal with (or else you don’t have to deal with them at all), there are more good guys out there than fuckboys, people don’t play games, men want a committed relationship just as much as you, and dating is fun and enjoyable- then we wouldn’t be consuming dating advice content. There would be no need for it.

I got to a place where I finally realized that I had pretty much heard all the dating advice out there. I realized that there is no secret magic bullet, despite what the relationship gurus are trying to tell you so they can sell you their eBook and online course.

And I was having strong emotional reactions to dating advice content because my “higher self” or inner compass or intuition or subconscious or whatever you want to call it, knew that it was not really beneficial. It was actually doing more harm than good.

If you think you need dating advice from YouTubers and gurus or whoever else is out there on the interwebs, it is because you don’t believe, for whatever reason, that a healthy relationship is possible for you. I know that’s what I used to believe.

And if that’s the case, your time and money would be much better spent in therapy with a licensed professional who can actually help you get to the root of the issue rather than buying someone’s ebook so you can get a boyfriend to put a band-aid over your problems as if having a boyfriend would fix everything wrong with your life.

I know therapy did me a world of good. But it wasn’t until I stopped looking at dating advice several months ago, that I started to feel a lot better- and more optimistic- in this area of my life.

To get into a healthy relationship and attract the right person into your life, you need to act like a person who is capable and deserving of a healthy relationship. Then you will start to believe that you are someone who can be in a healthy relationship. And people in healthy relationships don’t spend their time and energy looking at dating advice and obsessing over where things went wrong with the last person they went out with or how to control other people’s choices and make someone else do something.

So fuck all the dating advice. It was only holding me back and keeping me on a “low vibrational level” and reinforcing limiting beliefs instead of propelling me forward.

Listen to yourself and your inner voice.

If you don’t like dating apps, don’t use them. Personally, the apps only served to stress me out. Never mind that we were all under quarantine and everybody is bored and swiping. Never mind that X% of married couples meet online these days and you know So’n’so and 5 other people who met on Tinder and got married. Trust yourself and do what’s right for you. If you would rather meet someone in person and using apps doesn’t feel right for you, then use all of the newfound time you have from not reading dating advice and using the apps to go do things outside the house (you know, once the pandemic is over).

And vice versa! If you love using dating apps, don’t let anyone tell you that it’s a bizarre way to meet someone or it’s hopeless or that apps suck or that it’s only for casual relationships when you want something serious. Stand firm with what works for you.

If you want something serious, don’t let anyone make you feel “uncool” or like you’re too young or too old.

If you don’t want something serious, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a slut or that your “number is too high” or make you feel like you’re not supposed to want what you want.

If you want something monogamous, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not woke and humans “just aren’t built for it.”

If you want an open relationship or something polygamous, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong or weird.


Ignore the dating advice. You don’t need it. It’s like keeping the training wheels on your bike for far too long- soon enough they just become a reminder and a reinforcement of the belief that you can’t do it on your own.

But you can.

Dating advice only reinforces the message that dating is hard and it sucks. Act like you don’t need it and soon enough, you won’t.

 


Featured Photo by Matt W Newman on Unsplash

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