Love Is A Serious Business

A firm isn’t going to hire someone as a Partner if they’re just going to do a clumsy, half-assed job. You either do your job correctly and completely and go above and beyond what needs to be done or any good company would rather have that position stay vacant. So why is it that we get so desperate, we’d rather have a boyfriend in our life who screws us over than to be single and at peace?

People want dating to be “organic” and happen naturally. That’s fine if you’re 22 and not looking for anything serious any time soon. Otherwise, fuck that shit. Choosing a life partner is serious business. Do you think Cravath, Swaine, & Moore let just anyone make partner? Do you think any young lawyer trying to make partner just shows up to work and “whatever happens happens”? I think the fuck not.

Dating- The Interview Process

If you want a long lasting committed relationship, dating is to make sure you pick the right candidate as a spouse or life partner. Something I always say is

There is no Court of Broken Hearts.

~ Dania Danielle

When someone steals from a company, they prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. When someone breaks your heart, what do you do? You can’t sue someone because they lied to you, cheated on you, or broke your heart. There is no court for broken hearts. There is no emotional justice system. That means it’s up to you and solely you to protect yourself and police your relationship because you and your health, mental, physical, and emotional, are the greatest assets you have. There is no (legal & sane) way to get revenge on, punish, or prosecute someone who breaks your heart other than cutting them out of your life. Permanently. But if you ask the right questions when dating, they shouldn’t even be able to weasel their way into your life in the first place.

Managers don’t care about “scaring off” applicants by asking hard questions. They don’t care that they’re a (wo)man short on the team. They’d rather make sure the right person fills that position than to fill it with any ol’ body and have them steal from the company or otherwise royally screw up something important. So don’t feel like if you’re “too pushy” that you’ll scare him off. Let him be scared. Thank you, next.

Dating Multiple People

Dating is an interview process so why would you expect him to apply for one job at a time? Hiring managers certainly don’t accept only one application at a time. You are the hiring manager looking for the right candidate to fulfill the position of boyfriend.

You can interview more than one candidate at a time and candidates can apply to multiple companies. Don’t get mad if he’s going to other interviews, yet. And if he somehow sees the “pile of resumes on your desk” (aka he goes in your phone, you run into someone else while you’re out, some other guy pops up on your story or timeline), he shouldn’t get pissed and start making threats. At this point, you’re both single so he has no room to get mad.

Imagine pulling that same thing at a real job interview when you see other candidates waiting in the lobby. Imagine calling the hiring manager all kinds of names and accusing them of already giving benefits and paychecks to other candidates that haven’t even been hired yet either and that they’re just wasting your time. You would look crazy and that’s not how you get a job. If you see there are a lot of other candidates, you don’t get mad and take your cover letter and go home, you step it up! You write handwritten thank you notes, you make sure you’re connected to the company through LinkedIn, you make follow up calls.

Imagine cursing out the hiring manager and then the manager concedes and gives you the job anyways and tells all the other candidates to go away. That manager will have no respect from you. Now imagine a guy who is not even your boyfriend yet cursing you out, accusing you of sleeping around (which if you are is none of his business anyways, he’s not your boyfriend), and threatening to leave if you don’t pacify him. The proper response to that type of tantrum is “Please leave now.” He will have no respect for you if you give into his tantrum. It’s like a child knowing they can get away with whatever if they scream and cry; they don’t respect the parent’s rules. If he’s going to be that controlling and unstable early on, that’s a strong sign of someone abusive and manipulative. Thank you, next.

Company Culture

Beyond just making sure that this man meets basic job requirements for the boyfriend position (like having a stable income, not being a criminal, being a decent person, being “funny” and “smart,” and not having any of your deal-breakers like wanting kids when you don’t), you have to make sure that he’s a good fit for company culture.

Company culture is what I call all of the “superficial” stuff. That includes looks, sense of humor, favorite types of music and movies, are they an introvert or extrovert, etc. You could have someone look perfect on paper because they make a lot of money or they have the same background, same religion, and the same long term goals as you. But their personality could be corny as hell. Their sex might be wack. They might be a morning person and you’re not. They might be messy and not pick up after themselves. They might have some weird, unforeseen habits that you just cannot tolerate like eating their own scalp flakes… Ew. This may be the “superficial” stuff but it’s still equally important.

This is something you have to suss out over the course of a month or two since everyone acts different when they first meet someone. Some people put on an act on purpose. For me personally, depending on how often and how long I hang out with someone, I’m just really shy and quiet until I’ve know you for about 2 months and I get comfortable. That’s about when I get start getting obnoxious. 😜

Working Interviews

I’ve been on a few “working” interviews where I shadowed current employees. This is a great way to see what a job is actually like and for employers to get a better sense of who you are, more so than just a regular interview and quick tour of the place.

In dating, a working interview isn’t exactly like that. I’d say a “working interview” for dating would be more like spending a weekend together or going on a short trip. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a couple hours at a time or when you’re both snuggled up on the couch all weekend, but the final test of compatibility is seeing if you can spend several days together without wanting to rip each other’s hair out or boring each other to tears.

Another thing about this, especially for taking a trip is that during trips, or even just outings in general, there’s always some unexpected mishap. You want to see how he handles these types of situations. Does he just accept whatever it is? Does he try to fix it?Does he get passive aggressive? Does he start yelling and making demands? Does he grumble under his breath something rude? I won’t say that one response is “correct.” You just need to be ok with it, whatever it is because when you two argue (and you will), that is exactly how it’s going to be with him.

Also, if you don’t wanna get stuck with someone who’s stroke is less than stellar, now is the time for a “test drive.” If he’s made it this far in the interview process, you should know that you’re compatible for the long term and he should be begging to be your boyfriend.

Being in a Relationship- Working the Job

Don’t give someone that proverbial corner office when they’re just entry level. Boyfriends shouldn’t get “husband” perks. What falls under boyfriend benefits vs. husband perks is up to the individual. For the religious, sex is a husband benefit, for others, it’s a boyfriend benefit, and for some, it’s a crucial part of the interview process. For me, husband benefits include moving across the country (or to another country) for someone, doing his laundry or chores, and staying through unusually rough patches. Of course, I’m not going to dump a guy over any and all rough patches because that would be stupid since all relationships have those ups and downs. But there are some things that I will not work out or stick it out with a boyfriend that I would be more likely to try and work through with a husband, for example, drug addiction, him having a secret child, lengthy unemployment, mental illness, and ridiculous amounts of debt. No one can tell you what you “should” and “shouldn’t” do for someone or stay through. You decide what is what, stick to what you decide for yourself, and make sure you communicate your expectations to your partner. This will help you pace the relationship and reinforce personal boundaries.

Every relationship has an issue that needs to be worked through. The biggest problem, however, is when an issue that should be “Us vs. the issue” turns into “me vs. you.” Even when the problem is something they’re doing, it should be the behavior that’s the issue, not them. The best way to phrase it would be “I don’t like it when X happens because when you do that, it makes me feel Y.” Avoid saying things like “you always,” because nobody always does something. If he doesn’t acknowledge how you’re feeling and how the issue is affecting you, then he clearly doesn’t care how you feel and it’s time to cut ties. If he’s real quick to shoot back with something you do, he clearly can’t accept responsibility for himself and is more interesting in placing blame and making excuses rather than making things right.

Also, the time to bring up the fact that what the other person does is not in the middle of a separate issue. So if there’s a problem, it should be discussed at a neutral time- not in the middle of an argument about something else, but not in the middle of a party either. If an issue is only being brought up during an argument about something else, then it’s not really an issue, it’s just ammunition.

Relationships should be work just like any other relationship or friendship but you shouldn’t have to “make this work” and white-knuckle your way through things. That’s a good sign that it’s time to let go.


Laying Him Off

Being objective is one of the hardest things you can do with someone you love and care about. But the fact is, there will be times when someone we love cannot meet the job requirements of being in a relationship or they’ve broken the contract. While it’s not exactly easy to break up when someone has blatantly broken their contract, like with cheating, what’s even harder is when a person is a total sweetheart but they just can’t do the job.

In my very first relationship, my ex was very busy. He was working 70 hours a week and I felt like we barely saw each other. After not getting so much as even a text from him for an entire week, the next time I saw him I asked if he had time for a relationship. He said that he did and he promised to make more time for me so I took him at his word. We broke up about a month later but honestly, I should’ve fired him right there and then.

Businesses don’t keep employees on the payroll because they’re “nice” or “sweet” or “a really good guy” or because of how big he is. Businesses keep people on the payroll because they meet the requirements and do their work. I think sometimes we need to be like that in relationships, a tad less emotional and a bit more ruthless. Businesses don’t hang onto employees because they’re “a really good person.” Being a good person is the minimum requirement, it’s not some rare qualification. Not being an asshole or a liar and having some type of legal income should be the bare minimum. I’d even go so far as to say that those are just the pre-qualifications. The minimum requirements from there would be if he is able to meet your needs in a relationship, physically, yes, but most important emotionally. Like I’ve said before, I’m needy and I need to spend more time with someone and hear from them more than just once a week. Some guys refuse to go down on women. That’s their choice and I’m not going to say that they’re trash for having their preferences. But if you personally need head in your relationship, don’t hang onto a guy who refuses to eat pussy. No one is irreplaceable.

Image result for irreplaceable gif

Women say that a good guy is so hard to find these days. I suppose that’s true if you have a line of assholes outside your office and the good guys are mixed in the crowd somewhere. But it would be a lot easier to find the good guys if you stopped taking applications from unqualified assholes. Boyfriend applications from assholes go into the shredder; you don’t keep their email/number/Snap/Insta “just in case.” Yeah, the line will be shorter and you may miss the ego boost or the emotional validation of having tons of applicants, but you’ll get to the right candidate a lot quicker and with less of a headache.

And if you think they are irreplaceable, then just remember, you may not be able to replace your iPhone 5, but you can always upgrade.

Getting Laid Off

I really don’t know what’s worse, being the one who has to break things off or being on the receiving end of a breakup. Regardless, if you are on the receiving end, first of all, don’t grovel and try to win your position back. Companies don’t usually fire people on a whim and the same goes for breakups. Sometimes it’s an easy decision because of finances or logistics but that doesn’t mean it was a thoughtless one. If you need to know why (which most people do), it’s appropriate to ask when the breakup happens, not 2 weeks later. Take their answer at face value and analyze it later. This isn’t the time to clap back with something smart to say. If it’s an issue that you think can/should be resolved without a breakup and it’s the first time you’re having a discussion about it, tell him that and ask why he doesn’t want to work through it. If you two can work it out, great. If not, just wanted accept the answer and feel free to stew over it later.

Above all, maintain your dignity. If you can’t help but cry, you can’t help it but this is not the time for theatrics, throwing shit, keying cars, and pointed insults. If you get fired from a job as an employee, the dumbest thing you can do is go postal and flip your desk over. If you ever want a chance to work there again in the future if (and that’s a big, BIG “if” when it comes to relationships so don’t get your hopes up) things align, then remain composed and don’t burn that bridge.

Divorce- A Failed Business Merger

I’ve never been married or divorced so I don’t have much to say on this topic but I will say one thing.

When companies dissolve a partnership, things go a lot smoother and are less expensive when things go through arbitration and not through court. The point of divesting or dissolving a partnership is not to squeeze everything you can out of the other partner because you want to “make them pay” or you think you deserve it. By all means, negotiate your “severance package” and ensure that your needs are met. But don’t get greedy. Remember, the point of divesting is to get out now, while you can before you lose any more assets, which in the case of a divorce, are your time, sanity, and the mental and emotional health of any children you may have (as well as yourself).


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